5 psychotherapist abuse red flags I missed

(and what to do if you see one in your own therapy)

I went to psychotherapist for the first time when I was 21 years old, about 15 years before I met the creep therapist. I had such positive experiences with my previous psychotherapists that there was a point in my life that I wanted to become a therapist myself. I read psychology books for fun, worked as counselor and eventual supervisor at the National Suicide Prevention Hotline (now known as 988) for 6 years, and even got my Masters Degree in Social Work.

I went into therapy with the creep as an experienced and educated psychotherapy consumer.

I still got grossly taken advantage of for years.

In the years since I left the creep psychotherapist, I’ve looked back at all of the things that happened and all of the warning signs that I blew right past–even before the creep starting saying sexually inappropriate things to me.

The peace I’ve tried to make with myself is that sometimes it’s really, truly difficult to see how badly you’re being abused in a relationship when you’re still in it. With therapy, it’s even more complicated because there’s a huge power differential between psychotherapists and patients–especially when you’re in a mental state as fragile and desperate as I was.

Here are the five warning signs I missed during my psychotherapist abuse. If any of these things are happening to you, please PLEASE talk to other people in your life about it. You need an outside perspective if you’re ever going to get away from someone who’s abusing you.

1. BIG FAT RED FLAG #1: I SAID I WANTED TO STOP SEEING HIM AND HE SAID NO
   
   I told my psychotherapist at least a dozen times that I wanted to stop seeing him, and he always responded that I should keep coming and that my efforts to leave were an attempt to sabotage myself.
   
   Unless you’re in some sort of court ordered therapy that literally legally requires you to go, you can stop going to therapy whenever you decide it’s right for you. It can be a scary decision. Ethical therapists should be encouraging your independence, so if you say you want to leave and they say you shouldn’t, please get a really detailed answer on “why not” and then tell it to someone else in your life that you trust and see if it holds water.

2. MEGA RED FLAG #2: HE TOLD ME I DIDN’T WANT TO GET BETTER AND JUST WANTED TO BE MISERABLE

I’ve been looking back over my emails with the creep therapist and man some of them are so incredibly sad. One of them reminded me of a day when I was talking about my depression and my psychotherapist said to me:

You’re not homeless. You’re not hungry. You’re not selling your body for drugs. With a history like yours, you could be lying in a gutter somewhere. You need to go to gratitude.

And another email where he said:

You really just want to be miserable, don’t you?

First of all, NO ONE “wants” to be miserable. That’s a stupid thing to say.

If you enjoyed being miserable, then you wouldn’t be miserable–you’d be happy that you were getting that much desired misery, and then would automatically not be miserable. Anyone who tells you that you want to be miserable is a jerk. Now a psychotherapist saying this to a patient is next level gaslighting. I was paying the guy all of my money and dedicating all of my time and energy to the therapy relationship, and he said I should be grateful I wasn’t lying in a gutter somewhere with “a history like mine.”

Speaking of money, that leads me to:

RED FLAG #3: THE PSYCHOTHERAPY COSTS WERE FINANCIALLY DEVASTATING TO ME AND MY FAMILY

By the time my creep psychotherapist had cashed his last check from me, I had paid him just short of $50,000 over three and a half years. I was not then and am not now a wealthy woman. The creep psychotherapist also didn’t take insurance, so all of my payments to him were out of pocket and then I had to get reimbursed by the insurance company months later.

Some months, I would pay my creep psychotherapist as much as $1,575. At the end of the month, I would submit the bill to my insurance company, and then get about 70% of it back about two months later. So there were times that I could be out close to $5000 before I ever got any money back and as soon as I got that reimbursement, it went right back to paying the creep psychotherapist.

I told the creep about this, and that I couldn’t afford all these sessions but that I was afraid to stop coming. I told him that I was putting our family expenses like groceries on credit cards, but those were maxed out. I told him my husband needed glasses, that I wanted to buy clothes for my soon-to-be-born baby, that I couldn’t afford repairs to my car. At one point, he lowered my fee $50/session but humiliated me about it by saying he was “taking a hit” by giving me the discount. I felt even more in debt to him with the discount because of the resentment he’d expressed about it.

If you’re seeing a psychotherapist you can’t afford and you really want to keep going to them, talk to them about the absolute maximum you’re able to pay. If they can’t accep that, ask them to refer you to another therapist who can. Believe me, I know how hard it is to leave a psychotherapist that you’re attached to, but if you can’t afford it, the stress you’ll bring on yourself is gonna cancel out any positive effects from that therapy.

RED FLAG #4: MY ENTIRE LIFE CENTERED AROUND MY PSYCHOTHERAPY

In addition to all of my money going to the creep, all of my energy and focus was going to him as well. He encouraged me to email him outside of sessions and we exchanged hundreds of emails over the years. Every time I emailed him, I felt like my life was on hold until he responded.

If he went on vacation, I felt like my life was on hold until he got back.

I spent my time between sessions counting the days, hours, and minutes until I talked to him again.

My dependence on the creep was wildly unhealthy and counterproductive to the therapy. I should have been learning ways to cope independently, not turning to him to validate and approve of my every move.

It’s OK to depend on your therapist to be there for you when you urgently need help. It’s not OK for your psychotherapy to be the main focus of your life. If this is happening to you, please talk to someone about it. If you don’t have friends or family you can depend on, find an online support group or even a message board to talk about what’s going on. It’s hard to get out of an unhealthy relationship without outside perspective.

RED FLAG #5: THE BIG ONE - HE EXPRESSED A SEXUAL ATTRACTION TO ME

Yes, I do realize this one should be a no brainer. I’d even read the “packets” from the licensing board that any sort of sexual behavior between a therapist and their client was absolutely not OK.

I even said to my psychotherapist after he expressed sexual interest in me:

I didn’t know this was OK.

To which he responded:

I think it’s OK

The real issue here was that I absolutely did not want to believe that my therapist would do anything to harm me. I trusted him so completely. I had invested so much in the relationship. I am, 100%, the one who “said it first.” I said that I needed to stop seeing him because of my sexual attraction to him.

IT. DOESN’T. MATTER.

It doesn’t matter if the patient says it first. It’s super common to feel attracted to your psychotherapist. It’s called “transference” or in some cases “erotic transference.” It happens a LOT.

When I first shared that my psychotherapist had expressed an attraction to me on social media, a lot of people responded by saying that that I was “living their dream come true,” that it was “hot,” and that they would “go for it.”

I get why people responded this way. If you’re very attracted to your therapist and they say they reciprocate, it feels absolutely amazing for a very short amount of time–until it feels absolutely horrific.

If your therapist has ever or is currently expressing a sexual attraction to you, please get away from them immediately. Stop going. Tell someone you trust what’s happening. If you don’t trust anyone, contact this website T.E.L.L: Therapist Exploitation Link Line:

Disagree with any of my red flags? Have questions? Comments? Want to share your own experience? Feel free to leave a comment or start a discussion in the “My Psychotherapist Was a Creep” Subscriber Chat.

Be safe out there and don’t let a therapist tell you you were destined to lie “in a gutter somewhere.”

I’ll post a new chapter of “My Psychotherapist Was a Creep” every Tuesday